Time Trials & Tribulations

I'm the worst time triallist on the planet.  This isn't false humility either - I can stink up a TT like no other.  In my first 40K TT (which was dead flat with a light breeze), I struggled in with a time of 1 hour and 14 minutes - the third slowest time of the day.  I didn't know right then that I was the WTTOTP (Worst Time Triallist On The Planet), but I didn't have to wait long to find out.  I saw that one of the riders that I beat (by 13 seconds!) was a woman I knew.  I asked her how her ride went, and she planted the knife - "I'm pretty happy with my time considering the pregnancy and all."  That's right, this little woman that I beat by a measly 13 seconds was 4 months pregnant - with twins.  Her doctor advised her not to push it too hard, so she did a tempo ride.  Just when I thought that I couldn't feel worse, the other rider I beat (by 40 seconds!) rolled up to congratulate me - on the full-suspension Santa Cruz Heckler that he rode in the TT.  Ugh.

Not everyone knows this, but I hold a state championship in the Team Time Trial.  How does the WTTOTP manage to hold a state medal?  It's easy if you have three fast teammates.  You see, in a 4-person Team Time Trial only 3 of the riders have to finish for the team to win.  So about halfway through the race,  I screamed FLAT! to my teammates, pulled over, and let the air out of my rear tire.  My three teammates posted the best time on the day, and I accepted the medal with them like the lowlife bastard that I am.  This wasn't exactly the high point in my cycling career, and it's one result that is absent from the old palmares.

Over the last few years, I've made the trek to the State 40k TT  several times.  I've managed to do (another) 1:14, a 1:06, and a 1:10.  I've tried almost every trick in the book too - Zipp disc wheel, aero shoe covers, and a TT specific bike.  This year I was going to pull out all of the stops and add an aero helmet and a skinsuit to the time trial wizardry listed above.  But while training for the annual race of shame yesterday, something clicked in my head.  I'm the WTTOTP.  Why in the hell am I putting myself through this again?  Suddenly I could think of nothing worse than posting a 1 hour +  effort in my Captain America-like TT regalia.  In my everyday life I'm not a big fan of humiliation, but I actually pay for it once a year to do this stupid race.  No more.  I'm not doing it this year, and I may never do it again.  I guess I'll have to find some other way to humiliate myself.